Jokes

ColinW

Every now and then a classic turns up

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"

ColinW

LETTER FROM GRANDMA

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on mybumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

iammr.bill

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we don’t know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

I joined a health club last year, spent about $400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to actually go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they’ll say, ‘Well, he looks good doesn’t he.’

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years…..just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads.

Charlie

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

'Is it mine?'

RupertofOZ

Thank god... I'm in the clear....

ColinW

Helicopter Ride

Bill and his wife Blanche go to the county fair every year,

And every year Bill would say,

" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Blanche always replied,

" I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is twenty quid,

And twenty quid is twenty quid! "

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,

" Blanche, I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Blanche replied,

" Bill that helicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid "

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's twenty quid. "

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard..

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,

" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed! "

Bill replied,

" Well, to tell you the truth

I almost said something when Blanche fell out,

But you know,

twenty quid is twenty quid! "

Charlie

Chuck Norris - Legend.

Chuck Norris doesn't need Twitter, he's already following you.

Chuck Norris bit the Apple logo.

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.

Yoda used to be 6 feet tall till he tried that Force crap on Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer

Some magicians can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.

Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke... that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the sh*t out of it

Everybody tries to be perfect... Perfection tries to be Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

Chuck Norris can single handedly surround his victims.

When Chuck Norris looks at himself at a mirror, there is no reflection. There can only be one Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a GPS. Chuck Norris decides where he is.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the only man to punch a cyclops between the eyes

Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest

Chuck Norris was born on February 30th.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes.

The sheep on Chuck Norris' farm are the ones that give us steel wool.

Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together.

When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang it doesn't dare come back

Chuck Norris does not fart, nothing escapes Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can unscramble eggs.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because the only element Chuck Norris recognizes is the element of surprise

Unstoppable force meeting an immovable object? Chuck Norris clapping.

Some kids pee their name in snow. Chuck Norris pees his name in concrete.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can leave a message before the beep.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris can insert a picture in a Notepad file.

iammr.bill

Couldn't sleep. Checked my email. Woke the wife up because I was laughing so hard. Apparently it was much funnier at 0430.

Charlie

I love the "Chuck Norris can leave a msg before the beep"..... had me in stitches :laughing3:

SuperVeg

good ol' chuck norris jokes

mantis

This may have been posted before

Fella driving his new sports car down the freeway sitting on 120km/hr when he sees blue lights flashing in the rear view and panicks.
He decides to see what the new car can do and speeds up to 180 but the cop car was still gaining ,so he hits the floor and gets it up to 240.
To his dismay the cop car pulls in front of him and pulls him up
A very flustered policeman walks up to his window and sighs
"Its been a long day, and I am about to knock off and I dont want to do a lot of paperwork before I do"
"If you can give me the most original excuse for speeding like an idiot, I will let you off"

"Well its like this officer. Two years ago my wife ran off with a police officer, and when I saw you chasing me, I thought you were bringing her back"

Ofiicer "Have a good day sir"

ColinW

THE WORK OF STEVEN WRIGHT True Sayings of value

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous
Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and
all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His
mind sees things differently than most of us do.

Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made
your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many
is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favourite -

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Curnow

Drink Driving Caution!!

I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.

Sure enough I came upon a police road block, but seeing it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
:naughty:

faye

You are a crackup Corbie, you had me there lmao.

Sent from my GT-I9100T using Tapatalk 2

faye

Dan that preemptive text I'll fix it later corbie I mean Curnow grrr

Sent from my GT-I9100T using Tapatalk 2

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Jokes

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Backyard Aquaponics A place to discuss aquaponics

Jokes

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Backyard Aquaponics
A place to discuss aquaponics