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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Oct 23rd, '09, 09:21 
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Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he

walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" stomach and 34" hips.

When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Oct 23rd, '09, 14:32 
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The Importance of Planning



One night 4 college students were partying until late and did not study for a test, which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning, they thought of a plan.
They made themselves look as dirty as possible, with grease and dirt.
They then went to the teacher and said that they had gone to a wedding last night and on their return, a tyre burst on their car and they had to push the car all the way back home and that they were in no condition to do the test.
The teacher kindly allowed them to do a re-test after 3 days.
They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.

On the third day, they went for their test.
The teacher said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days...



The test consisted of 1 single question, worth a total of 100 Marks........







Q. 1. Which tyre?

a) Front Left b) Front Right
c) Back Left d) Back Right

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Oct 23rd, '09, 14:33 
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GOOD, BETTER, BEST

GOOD
A cop from the Qld Police was watching for speeders, but wasn't getting many.
Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.'
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through a speed camera radar near Dalby with a Fine of $160 included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160.
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As a Qld Policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Policemen's Ball.'
He replied, 'Queensland Police don't have balls.'
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Oct 26th, '09, 23:34 
A Texan cowboy stopped at a restaurant in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so very sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.

If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the cowboy placed his order, and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor, sometimes the bull wins.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Nov 3rd, '09, 09:14 
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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


'You talk?' he asks..


'Yep,' the Lab replies.



After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.


'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Nov 3rd, '09, 09:15 
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Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence
The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done *frack* all but moan since you've been here."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Nov 17th, '09, 20:48 
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His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . you're NOT my flight instructor?'

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Nov 17th, '09, 21:27 
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An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....


'Dactor, it's me ahrse.I'd like ya ta teyk a look, if ya woot'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible', he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.



'This is amazing!' exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyk it out, man!' shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last bill comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'
'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.

'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.'

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Nov 18th, '09, 00:01 
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*groan*


And now for something completely different:

It seems that the American version of fox hunting
involves several good-old boys who get together, let the dogs
loose, and relax on at their porch with a jug for an evening of
hound-music appreciation. One evening a fellow brought his
bitch Henrietta. When his friends learned that Henrietta had
just come into heat they urged the old man not to run her, as
most of the hounds were male.
"Don't you worry none," the old man said.
"Henrietta's the fastest hound in this country and once she
gets on that fox's scent no dog's going to catch her."
When the dogs had been cast and the jug was making
its second round, the old man, who was a bit deaf, asked his
son if the hounds were running. "They sure are, Paw," the son
said. "Is Henrietta running first?" the old man said.
"She sure is, Paw," the son replied. "Henrietta's way
out in front. Then comes Hank's dog Spunky. Then Andy's
new redbone, Bugle. Then Amos's walker, Flash. The fox is
running fifth."

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WARNING: I suffer from ideaphoria. This post may contain untested ideas, errors, and excessive enthusiasm.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Nov 23rd, '09, 07:52 
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Link to a nice little video from the BBC, Cute
http://video.telegraph.co.uk/services/p ... 5524339001

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Nov 24th, '09, 21:20 
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The Geography of a Woman ------------------------

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty. Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man ------------------------

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick. :twisted:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Nov 24th, '09, 21:23 
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Mugabe dies and goes to heaven.
When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and he does not belong in heaven.
Mugabe must go to hell.
So Mugabe goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home.
Then Mugabe notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No problem, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."
When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked. St.Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage.
As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other,"My word,look at that! Mugabe has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!" :roll:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Nov 25th, '09, 08:03 
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nice one Dennis, have some Zimbabwean colleagues and it is as true as you can get :lol: :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Nov 28th, '09, 10:29 
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Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called 'Beer.'

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large 'kegs'. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of 'Beer' and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several 'beers', men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would normally not be attracted.

After drinking 'beer', men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship.'

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage.' Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

For a video to see how beer works click here:

Beer Demo



Please! Forward this warning to every male you know

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Nov 30th, '09, 12:36 
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Job at the FBI


The FBI had an opening for an assassin .
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
the men to a large metal door and handed
him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your
Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
in a chair .. . . kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
but I can't kill my wife..' The agent said, 'You don't
have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to
beat him to death with the f # cking chair.'

MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

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