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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Dec 20th, '09, 17:58 
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Al Sharpton Blasts Tiger Woods for Lack of Mistress Diversity

The Rev. Al Sharpton held a press conference today to blast Tiger Woods for
the lack of diversity among his mistresses. Sharpton claims that the lack
of African-American women among Woods' harem will have a negative affect on
the black community, specifically young black girls.

"Why is it that a man who calls himself black can't bring himself to cheat
on his wife with a black woman?" said Sharpton, speaking to a group of
supporters in Harlem. "What does it say to young black girls everywhere
when you pass them over? Shame on you, Tiger Woods. What would your daddy
say?"

Sharpton, who has long championed taking black women as mistresses, said
that today's black athletes need to stop neglecting black women when it
comes to extramarital affairs, and should follow the examples of positive
black role models such as Jesse Jackson and Martin Luther King, Jr., both
of whom cheated on their wives with black women. Sharpton also stressed
that cheating with African-American women would help the black community
financially by giving black girls the chance to sell their stories to
tabloids and gossip magazines.

Added Sharpton, "I'm not asking you to not cheat on your wives, I'm just
asking you to give back to your own community."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Dec 20th, '09, 18:00 
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Nelson Mandela, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil
tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and
talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the
cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was
finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen
Elizabeth writes him a cheque. Finally Nelson Mandela gets his turn and
talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there
would be no charge for the call and feel free to call South Africa anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Nelson
Mandela got to call South Africa free. The devil replied, "Since Jacob Zuma
became president of South Africa, the country has gone to hell, so
naturally it's a local call."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Dec 21st, '09, 09:02 
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GHOST SEX

A professor at the University of Newcastle was giving a lecture on the supernatural.


To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'


About 90 students raise their hands.


'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'


About 40 students raise their hands.


'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'


About 15 students raise their hand.


'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'


Three students raise their hands.


'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'


Way in the back, Bob raises his hand.


The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'


The big student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Bob, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'


Bob replied, 'Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said Goats.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Dec 21st, '09, 09:04 
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It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the
children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."


Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would
keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Dec 21st, '09, 20:46 
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An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The room erupted in applause!

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Dec 26th, '09, 06:29 
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2 soldiers in Iraq



A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist,
badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.

The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the
Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.

The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and
coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.' We saw each other and
both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that
Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.

He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, Good-for-nothing, left wing labour
dickhead who knows bugger all about running the country.'

'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!'

He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard !'

'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.'

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Jan 12th, '10, 07:44 
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There seems to be a serious lack of female contributions to this thread :!:
C'mon ladies, you must know some good ones too :?: :?: :?:
Here's one from me


One word or two?

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -
'Is that one word or two?'

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Jan 14th, '10, 08:31 
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The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven !!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Queen Elizabeth
and

Dolly Parton
die on the same day and they both go
before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately,
there's only one space left that day,
so the Angel must decide which of them
gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular
reason why she
should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says,
'Look at these,
they're the most
perfect breasts

God ever created,
and I'm sure it will please God to
be able to see them every day,
for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly,
and asks
Her Majesty the same question.
The
Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse,

drinks it down.
Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel
says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks,
'What was that all about?
I show you two
of God's own perfect creations
and you turn me down.
She wees into a
toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel,
'but even in Heaven,

a Royal Flush

beats a Pair -


no matter how big they are.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Jan 14th, '10, 08:44 
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Woops missed half the joke, hope it gets fixed :oops:
IRISH SAUSAGES




Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.




Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'




He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.




Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'




Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'




He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.




Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'




Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '




They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'




The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.




They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.




At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'



Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Jan 20th, '10, 13:54 
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:hippy2:

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THOSE WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1940's, 50's, 60's and 70's !


First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos..
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.


Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.


We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.


As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.


We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.


Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Nandos.


Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!


We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.


We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......


WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!


We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.


No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.


We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.


We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY,
no video/dvd films,
no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!



We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.



Only girls had pierced ears!


We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.



You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...



We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,


We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!



RUGBY and CRICKET had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on MERIT



Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and bullies always ruled the playground at school.





The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.

They actually sided with the law!


Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'



We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO

DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!


You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before our lives were regulated for our own good.


And while you are at it, if you have any , forward it on to them so they will know how brave their parents were.





PS -The big type is because your eyes are not too good at your age anymore

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Jan 20th, '10, 15:06 
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Seriously, this cant be healthy.
Seriously, this cant be healthy.
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Ahh yes I felt this post would appear again when I read it the first time.
Despite remembering it, I still enjoyed the re-read

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Jan 21st, '10, 09:13 
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A Cajun who died went to hell.

The devil assigned him the usual punishment...put him in the mass pit
where the heat was melting others. The devil came back sometime later
surprised to find the Cajun just sitting around, not even misting, much
less sweating. "How come you're not so much as sweating here where
everyone else is screaming for relief from the heat?"

The Cajun laughed and said, "Man, I was raised in the bayous of Sout
Looziana. Dis ain't nothin' but May in Lafayette to me!"

The devil decided to really put the Cajun through it. He put him in a
sealed off cave in the pit with open blazes and four extra furnaces
blasting. When he came back, days later, the Cajun was sitting pretty,
had barely begun to bead up with sweat. The devil was outraged. "How is
this possible!? You should be melted to a shrieking puddle in these
conditions!."

The Cajun laughed even harder than before. "Hey, man! I done tole you.
I was raised in Sout Looziana. You tink dis is heat?! Dis ain't nothin'
but August in Jennings !"

So the devil thought, 'Alright, a little reverse ought to do the trick.'
He put the Cajun into a corner of hell where no heat ever reached. It was
freezing and to add to the Cajun's misery, he added massive icebergs and
blasting frozen air. When he returned, the Cajun was shivering, ice hung
from every part of him but he was grinning like it was Christmas.
Exasperated, the devil asked "HOW!? How is it possible?! You're
impervious to heat and here you sit in conditions you can't be used
to...freezing cold and yet you're happier than if you were in heaven.
WHY?!"

The Cajun kept grinning and asked, "Dis mean de Saints won da Super Bowl?"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Jan 24th, '10, 07:19 
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A CATTLE DOG STORY

Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said "Julia,
I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters".
"Good idea Leader, how will we go about it"? said Julia.
"Well", said Rudd, "we get ourselves one of those Driaza Bone coats,
some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat. Oh, and a blue cattle
dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback
country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush". "Right" said Julia.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set
off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at
just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub.
They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

"G'day mate", said Rudd to the bartender, "two middies of your best beer".
"Good afternoon Leader", said the bartender, "two middies of our best coming up".
Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and
chatting, nodding now and again to whoever came into the bar for a
drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a
grizzled old stockman, complete with stock whip. He walked up to the
cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath,
shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments
later in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the
dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen
came in and lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.
Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the barman over.
"Tell me" said Rudd, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"

"Strewth no", said the barman. "Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes".

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Jan 26th, '10, 09:04 
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A good one for Australia Day



THE AUSSIE VERSION OF CREATION

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach.....

And BBQ's......




He created night for going prawning,
sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.



On the Second Day, God created water....for surfing, swimming, and BBQ's on the beach,
and God saw that it was good.



On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide malt and yeast for beer

and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good..



On the Fourth Day God created animals
and crustaceans ,chops, sausages,
steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.


On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.


So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good .. ...

Well.... Almost good.....

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good.....

It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!!!! :cheers:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Jan 26th, '10, 09:15 
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Seriously, this cant be healthy.
Seriously, this cant be healthy.
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A woman went to the service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,

'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager
In front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks, 'Ma'am what's wrong?'

She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,

'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'

Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, 'Ma'am, why are you saying that?' ! ;

In a huff, the woman says,

'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!'

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

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