Jokes

ColinW

Retired drinkers

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London . They turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10p.”
They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you!
What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.
In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis—shaken, not stirred—and says, "That'll be 10p each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying,
"That's 40p, please."
They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet. Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, “and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. Wine, liquor, beer—it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Scotland . They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price”.

mantis

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.... Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

Stuart Chignell

This is a fun one.

Quote:

[select one option A through to D]
"If answering this question randomly, what is the probability that you will pick the correct answer by chance?"

a. 25%
b. 50%
c. 75%
d. 25%

Charlie

mantis

StartingOver

+1 on 33 %

Stuart Chignell

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zrnd63DA ... ture=share

I laughed at some of these. Others are just lame.

gazza

Stuart Chignell

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zrnd63DA ... ture=share

I laughed at some of these. Others are just lame.

werdna

Stuart Chignell wrote:

This is a fun one.

Quote:

[select one option A through to D]
"If answering this question randomly, what is the probability that you will pick the correct answer by chance?"

a. 25%
b. 50%
c. 75%
d. 25%

Only fun because it messes with your head.
The answer is 50% if a or d is selected, and 25% if b or c are selected.
The probability entirely depends on the chosen answer.

earthbound

Right..... You have to know which is the correct answer first before you can pick the right answer... :headbang:

aquanoob

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside the Christmas Island Centre link Office.'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told by Julia Gillard to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in Australia with your wife and seven children – all costs to be borne by the Australian Tax Payers.'

The man told the fairy: 'Well, in Sri Lanka where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.' The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and...

PING !!! The Asylum Seeker had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go'.

The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage on the Gold Coast with eight bedrooms – and a Gold Visa Card in each room - for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in Sri Lanka. I want to bring them all over here.

PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkoutpatio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, plus all his nephews playing their music.

'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.

The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant really decided to go for broke now and said “I want to be Australian with Australian clothes instead of the rags and shawl, and I want to have white skin like the Australians.'

PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out Stubbies shorts, a dirty Bonds T-shirt and a terry-towel hat. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?'

The fairy said “Tough luck. Now that you are Australian, you're entitled to sweet f*** all, just like the rest of us”.

-- Got sent this from the in-laws.

Jaymie

sorry, this gets me every time. Refugees DO NOT get whatever they want. They get to spend years in the camps waiting to be processed. They get to choose which city or region they want to live in. They are rehomed by usually charity organisations in rental properties on the bus routes, they get good quality second hand furniture, new bedding, some crockery and kitchen utensils. They get some social support.

earthbound

Yep....

I really can't understand this obsession with refugees here in Australia.. I guess hype and exaggeration sells papers and advertising space, I wish media would just get over it.

aquanoob

Actually, they get more illegal overstayers from people that fly in, rather than from boats. Media hypes up the 'invasion from the boats' because it's better footage. You can't take footage of people stepping off the airplanes as they've only just arrived, and most likely on valid temporary visas (ie. holiday).

Either way, it's just a 'joke' in this section. Just found it amusing that someone's turned that genie wishes joke to address the illegal boat entry.

Backyard Aquaponics
A place to discuss aquaponics

Jokes

Who is online

Backyard Aquaponics A place to discuss aquaponics

Jokes

Who is online

Backyard Aquaponics
A place to discuss aquaponics