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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Jan 27th, '10, 08:07 
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At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.




When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."


The head of Carlton & United smiled and said, “Make mine a VB."




To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of
Beers."


And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the
planet."




The General Manager of XXXX paused a moment and then placed his order: "I'll have a Diet Coke."




The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head.


"Well,” he said with a shrug, “if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Jan 27th, '10, 08:39 
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:laughing3:


read that one nocky??

:occasion5:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Jan 27th, '10, 13:01 
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and he secretly drank an EB and moved to WA 8)

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Jan 27th, '10, 14:16 
Jezz he must have been desperate... to give up xxxx & QLD.... to move to WA for EB...

Then again... he obviously had no taste, or sense, to begin with... :mrgreen:


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Jan 27th, '10, 15:40 
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EB........EB.......Nope doesn't rate a mention in the joke:drunken:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Jan 27th, '10, 16:44 
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Naaa... Moved here for the Little Creatures.... :drunken:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Jan 28th, '10, 14:22 
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The Functions of Workshop Tools and Machines

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which
you had carefully
set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to
say, 'Oh shit!'

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs
into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle....
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and
the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your
shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub
out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles
for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed
your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you
forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but
can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw
heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common
slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as
a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such
as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially
useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a bitch TOOL: (A personal favorite!!)
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs, just as your in-laws or any
impressionable children walk through the door. It is also, most often, the next tool
that you will need.

Hope you found this informative.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Jan 28th, '10, 14:33 
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:laughing3: - now that's funny !

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Jan 28th, '10, 19:35 
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Seriously, this cant be healthy.
Seriously, this cant be healthy.
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Very good!!

But I have one mod from personal experience

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool used to test maximum sheer stress of one's fingers

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Jan 28th, '10, 21:13 
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LOL My best power tool experience is also with a table saw. I was ripping a narrow piece of board and it pinched between the fence and blade. It shot out and impaled me right above the family jewels. :roll:

(I now stand to the side when ripping boards)

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Jan 29th, '10, 03:44 
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and no mention of the ANKLE Grinder?

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Jan 29th, '10, 08:33 
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Missed the ankle, got the shin :shock:


Attachments:
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SDC10583.JPG [ 119.24 KiB | Viewed 5323 times ]

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Jan 29th, '10, 08:40 
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Seriously, this cant be healthy.
Seriously, this cant be healthy.
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I don't know where my ankle is, as I hit my thumb. severed tendons look funny when you try to move them.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Jan 29th, '10, 10:31 
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nice imagery :shock: - thanks KP !

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Jan 29th, '10, 11:55 
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for me it was two front teeth when the wheel bit and the handle hit me !!


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