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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Feb 1st, '10, 11:40 
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Unfortunately below is a true story, but fits the joke section

The NSW Government and the NSW Greens were presenting an alternative to NSW Farmers for controlling the dingo population.

It seems after years of the farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a more humane solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive; the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled.

This was actually proposed to the NSW Farmers and Graziers Association by the NSW Government and the NSW Greens. All of the farmers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said,

"Son, I don't think you understand our problem . . . . Those dingos ain't *frack*' ing our sheep - they're eating ‘em!"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Feb 1st, '10, 12:16 
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Perth Metropolitan Police have confirmed reports about a disturbing trend that is emerging from the suburbs. They have confirmed and given details about 2 more members of the Perth’s AFL Teams that have had their homes broken into during the past week.

Daniel Kerr lost 6 All Australian Caps, 4 Club Champion Awards, 2 ABC Footballer of the Year Awards, 3 AFL Players Association Awards, 3 Western Australian Player of the Year Awards, An AFL Premiership runners-up medal and an AFL Premiership medal.

Matthew Pavlich lost a kettle and a toaster.

Man it's quiet at work today

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 Post subject: New Health reforms
PostPosted: Feb 1st, '10, 22:03 
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New changes to improve throughput in casualty


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Feb 1st, '10, 22:10 
.
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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Feb 9th, '10, 14:52 
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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks everywhere. It is impossible not to step
on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally stepson one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter,
who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained
for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but
one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being
chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says,
'I don't know about you,
but I stepped on a duck.'

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Feb 11th, '10, 07:44 
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A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human
Beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler

that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it,

he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but

before she could say '*frack* !,' the Rottweiler ate her!

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Feb 23rd, '10, 08:21 
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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Feb 26th, '10, 17:33 
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The email I got said the following was from a 'real' ad in the newspaper. It amused me I don't believe it though.

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason..

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 ..45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologise for not killing you .... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.

I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Feb 26th, '10, 19:37 
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How to get to Heaven from Ireland

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile.

'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'NO!'.
I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Feb 27th, '10, 21:02 
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this is an old favourite of a great mate of mine....

This girl, goes fishing with four guys...
and all she comes back with is a red snapper!


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Feb 28th, '10, 00:21 
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stevesmartt wrote:
this is an old favourite of a great mate of mine....

This girl, goes fishing with four guys...
and all she comes back with is a red snapper!


don't get it - and not sure I want to.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mar 2nd, '10, 07:58 
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A young couple wanted to join the church, the priest told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.

'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the priest inquired.

'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly.

The priest asked him what happened.

'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.

One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The priest lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'

'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Bunnings, either

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mar 2nd, '10, 10:50 
No wonder they were so upset... banned from Bunnings.... :shock:


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mar 2nd, '10, 21:46 
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Midnight Oil's new album......



doesn't take long.....


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I like poetry, long moonlit walks along the beach and poking dead things with a stick..
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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mar 4th, '10, 16:09 
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ok...so the garrett joke wasnt that good....


so i beg for redemption...with a little photo called...


BINGLE IN THE SHOWER.....


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