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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sep 7th, '13, 11:06 
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This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is.

They think so logically.



A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...

'I think the man would have said - 'Well, F#ck me!! A talking pig!'

The teacher had to leave the room.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sep 7th, '13, 14:58 
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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sep 7th, '13, 18:50 
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Umm Matthew was that six year old Kaiden, by any chance?

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sep 8th, '13, 21:51 
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Faye - I'm shocked that you would think my own angel faced innocent little cherub, would utter such words. :roll: ( Caydn is now 12 already)

Can't claim it , just more entertaining internet trolling


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sep 20th, '13, 16:31 
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A NUN AT HOOTERS - This is clean and cute.

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a
While 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent. She walked
Up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of
A naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just
Long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they
Applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender,'Would you like a
Drink?'
'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun..
'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on
That statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?”


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sep 20th, '13, 16:33 
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Cemetery Music.




A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a

sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching

for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming

from a grave with a headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-

1827". Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is

being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to

return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music

has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the

previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they

return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse

order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the

5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered

around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being

played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the

group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the

music.

"I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says.

"He's decomposing."


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sep 20th, '13, 19:38 
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:laughing3:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sep 23rd, '13, 08:07 
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Scottish Generosity

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swish new restaurant in town.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"

Being a 'Kind Hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her tonight!"

So they walked past it again.








(edited so the censor doesn't hide part of the joke ;) Jaymie)

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sep 25th, '13, 14:16 
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You think you have lived to be 90 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,


Are you a real pilot?


He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sep 25th, '13, 14:32 
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Location: Dowerin, WA
Thankfully I found that I am not a real pilot well before I am 90!

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sep 27th, '13, 08:17 
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An Irish farmer named Shaun had a car accident. He was hit by a large truck.

In court, the Truck Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Shaun.

"Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'asked the solicitor.

Shaun responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details',the solicitor interrupted.'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Shaun said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Shaun's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Shaun thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder.

By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da Heck would you say?

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sep 27th, '13, 20:28 
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I'm fine.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sep 29th, '13, 13:11 
The Attorney General ( a lawyer) claiming travel expenses for flights, accommodation and a hire car... to attend a radio shock jocks wedding.... because he thought it was alright because the trip was "work related".... :lol:

I'm surprised he didn't book up a couple of prostitutes.. on the basis he was just getting in some practice to screw people.... :D


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Oct 12th, '13, 06:37 
The newly appointed Tony Abbott Liberal government is reportedly going to challenge the ACT gay marriage laws...

Perhaps he should instead legislate to ban straight people from having gay babies...

Attachment:
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Gay Marriage - LOTL Magazine (Custom).png [ 680.75 KiB | Viewed 1708 times ]


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Oct 12th, '13, 09:04 
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Well.....


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