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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Oct 26th, '13, 12:21 
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This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.
So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome ... So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Qantas," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Qantas?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Qantas's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a million Euro remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who the F**k did your hair?"


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Oct 26th, '13, 22:32 
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This older gentleman had lost his job of 35 years, and was interviewing for a new job. The hiring manager was quite a bit younger, fresh from college. The hiring manager asked the gentleman heat his biggest weakness was. The older gentleman replied "My honesty."
The hiring manager responded with "I don't think honesty is a weakness..."
"I really don't give a s**t what you think"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Oct 26th, '13, 22:59 
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I would hire that guy! And......at the end of his first working day fire him and tell him to go and f***ck himself. :)

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Oct 27th, '13, 22:04 
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No way man, I'd hire him and do everything I could to keep him. 35 Yrs worth of keeping the same job shows dedication.
Now hiring him to do customer service... Hmmm it might work in certain circumstances... heh, heh, heh

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Oct 28th, '13, 00:15 
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Yea, but it was probably a government job, and you really have to mess up to lose one of those....

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Oct 28th, '13, 20:03 
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Every time I have to read the word consultant in this forum I remember this joke... Long but worth it...

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered "sure".
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130-page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep. "That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?", "OK, why not." answered the young man. "Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business...... Now give me back my dog."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Oct 29th, '13, 11:43 
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:sign5:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Oct 29th, '13, 12:42 
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Gwydion wrote:
Every time I have to read the word consultant in this forum I remember this joke


I remember this:

http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/1998-08-24/

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Oct 29th, '13, 17:10 
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arbe wrote:
Gwydion wrote:
Every time I have to read the word consultant in this forum I remember this joke


I remember this:

http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/1998-08-24/


that is brilliant...

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Oct 30th, '13, 21:38 
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A guy walked into a chemist shop and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The middle aged attractive woman he was talking to said that
she was the only pharmacist and that as she and her twin sister
owned the store, there were no males employed there.

She then asked if she could help him.

The guy said that it was something that he would be
much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional,
and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that
she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The guy then agreed and began by saying,
"This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a .......permanent erection.
It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment,
and I was wondering what you could give me for it."

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length,
and the absolute best we can do is:

1/3 ownership in the shop ....
A company car ...
Five home cooked dinners a week ......
And $3,000 a month in living expenses."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Oct 30th, '13, 21:59 
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A woman walks into a Chemist and asks to speak to the Pharmacist. He asks what she wants and she tells him she wants some cyanide.

"I'm sorry, miss..." he begins.

"It's Mrs. I'm married." she says.

"Well I am sorry but I can't just hand out cyanide. What on earth do you want with it?"

"I'm going to feed it to my husband," she replies calmly.

"Madam, that is murder, and while you might get some success with an insanity plea because you walked in and told me this, I couldn't possibly help you." He is very firm and starts edging towards the phone. She pulls something out of her bag and holds it out to him. "What is that Madam?"

"It's a photo" she replies. "Look at it please." He takes the photo and turns it over, then gasps. She says, "yes, that's your wife in bed with my husband."

He looks at the photo a moment longer, looks at the woman and smiles, then turns to the racks of chemicals behind him.

"Why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?"


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Nov 7th, '13, 15:03 
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In 1986, Dazza was on holiday in Kenya after dropping out of Broadmeadows High School.
On a pissed hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dazza approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Daz worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face Dazza, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Daz stood frozen, shitting his pants, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.
Dazza never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Dazza was walking through the Melbourne Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dazza and his son Brock were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Dazza, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dazza could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Dazza summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dazza's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same @#$%^&* elephant.
Dazza always was a dumb @#$%...
This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bull%$!& stories.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Nov 7th, '13, 15:45 
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Fifty Shades of Grey by Pam Ayres.





Fifty Shades of Grey - by Pam Ayres
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Ethel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Ethel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator !!

Now if you knew our Ethel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!

Ethel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!

Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Nov 7th, '13, 18:13 
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Shopping

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six!"
A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy six cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Nov 7th, '13, 19:03 
So... :dontknow: :lol:


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