All times are UTC + 8 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 860 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58  Next
Author Message
 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Nov 7th, '13, 21:05 
Offline
Bordering on Legend
Bordering on Legend

Joined: Oct 9th, '09, 09:16
Posts: 469
Images: 26
Gender: Male
Are you human?: yes
Location: South West WA
A professor at the Arkansas University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts,
do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...
Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says: 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin,
and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks,
'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'


"Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats.


Top
 Profile Personal album  
Reply with quote  
    Advertisement
 
 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Nov 9th, '13, 19:08 
Offline
Bordering on Legend
Bordering on Legend
User avatar

Joined: Apr 26th, '09, 17:41
Posts: 287
Location: Mitcham, MELBOURNE, VIC
Gender: Male
Are you human?: Sometimes!!!
Location: Australia Victoria Melbourne Mitcham
The Black Mask






The Black Mask (as told by a woman)



I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.



We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door

wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.



Here's how it all went.



My engaged friend :

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice,

tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.'

Then we made passionate love all night long.



The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat,

under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he

didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.



Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos

and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,

















" What's for dinner, Zorro?"


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Nov 13th, '13, 02:01 
Offline
Almost divorced
Almost divorced
User avatar

Joined: Mar 26th, '10, 08:28
Posts: 1442
Images: 0
Gender: Male
Are you human?: Sadly... yes
Location: USA - Georgia - Hartwell
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

_________________
Mr Bill

The difference between a dream and a goal is a plan. You just have to be able to modify the plan.

Mr Bill's System
Mr Bill's Future System
Mr Bill's Dirt Garden


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Nov 18th, '13, 15:32 
Offline
Bordering on Legend
Bordering on Legend
User avatar

Joined: Apr 26th, '09, 17:41
Posts: 287
Location: Mitcham, MELBOURNE, VIC
Gender: Male
Are you human?: Sometimes!!!
Location: Australia Victoria Melbourne Mitcham
Dad's reply




I took my dad to the shopping mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenage girl sitting near to him. She had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her. The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid, "Got stoned once and shagged a parrot. Was just wondering if you might be my daughter!"


Attachments:
Coloured Hair.jpg
Coloured Hair.jpg [ 52.22 KiB | Viewed 4784 times ]
Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Nov 22nd, '13, 08:03 
Offline
Legend Member
Legend Member
User avatar

Joined: Jul 27th, '11, 15:27
Posts: 744
Gender: Male
Are you human?: yes
Location: Bunbury, Australia
A Kiwi and an Australian go to a pastry shop. The Kiwi whisks three biscuits into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.

The Kiwi says to the Australian, "You see how clever we are ? You'll never beat that !!"

The Australian says to the Kiwi, "Watch this - an Australian is always cleverer than a Kiwi." He says to the baker, "Give me a biscuit - I can show you a magic trick !!"

The baker gives him one, which the Australian promptly eats. Then he says to the baker, “Give me another biscuit for my magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.

Then he says again, "Give me one more biscuit."

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Australian eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, "And where is your famous magic trick ?" The Australian says, "Look in the Kiwi’s pocket !!"

_________________
Regards

Dr Bee

http://www.backyardaquaponics.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=45&t=10254


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Nov 23rd, '13, 21:37 
Offline
Bordering on Legend
Bordering on Legend

Joined: Oct 9th, '09, 09:16
Posts: 469
Images: 26
Gender: Male
Are you human?: yes
Location: South West WA
Grannies & Granddads.

Ever wondered what the difference between Grannies and Granddads is?

A 5 year old granddaughter is usually taken to school, daily, by her grandfather.
One day when he had a bad cold, Granny took the little girl to school.

That night the little girl told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different than with granddad !!

"What made it different?" asked her parents:

"Well Granny and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dickhead, prick or *sigh* anywhere on the way to school today!'


Top
 Profile Personal album  
Reply with quote  
 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Nov 24th, '13, 18:06 
Offline
A posting God
A posting God

Joined: Sep 15th, '07, 09:09
Posts: 3706
Location: WA
Gender: Male
Good job she normally goes to school with her granddad then; at least he pays attention to other traffic. :lol:


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Nov 29th, '13, 08:13 
Offline
Legend Member
Legend Member
User avatar

Joined: Jul 27th, '11, 15:27
Posts: 744
Gender: Male
Are you human?: yes
Location: Bunbury, Australia
A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'Search'. Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man. Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'Search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to “do his business” all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

_________________
Regards

Dr Bee

http://www.backyardaquaponics.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=45&t=10254


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Nov 29th, '13, 08:28 
Offline
Almost divorced
Almost divorced

Joined: Mar 21st, '12, 11:42
Posts: 1358
Gender: Male
Are you human?: yes
Location: Bendigo, Victoria
Child's Prayer

Dear Lord, please let me die in my sleep like my grandfather... and not screaming in terror like his passengers. :D


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Nov 29th, '13, 13:03 
Offline
Moderator
Moderator
User avatar

Joined: Nov 6th, '11, 10:04
Posts: 5100
Gender: Male
Are you human?: Humans err, I Arrr!
Location: Chula Vista, CA, USA
That is Dufflight's signature.

_________________
What answers I can question for you?

My Patio System

My Indoor System

No single drop of rain believes it is responsible for the flood.


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Nov 29th, '13, 19:20 
Offline
Almost divorced
Almost divorced

Joined: Mar 21st, '12, 11:42
Posts: 1358
Gender: Male
Are you human?: yes
Location: Bendigo, Victoria
Such is life...

(oops, Ned Kelly)


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Nov 29th, '13, 20:18 
Offline
Legend Member
Legend Member
User avatar

Joined: Dec 16th, '10, 22:40
Posts: 973
Location: Florida, US
Gender: Male
Are you human?: yes
Location: Florida, US
So this guy was trying to raise 30lbs of fish in a 50gal barrel
Lolol
/couldn't resist ;)

_________________
Free thinkers are dangerous!
www.collegeofaquaponics.com
www.chattersonfarms.com
www.facebook.com/Chattersonfarms


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Nov 30th, '13, 01:00 
Offline
Moderator
Moderator
User avatar

Joined: Nov 6th, '11, 10:04
Posts: 5100
Gender: Male
Are you human?: Humans err, I Arrr!
Location: Chula Vista, CA, USA
Ryan wrote:
So this guy was trying to raise 30lbs of fish in a 50gal barrel
Lolol
/couldn't resist ;)

Must have been a consultant.

_________________
What answers I can question for you?

My Patio System

My Indoor System

No single drop of rain believes it is responsible for the flood.


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Nov 30th, '13, 01:24 
Nah.. just a googleist...


Top
  
Reply with quote  
 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Nov 30th, '13, 10:04 
Offline
Xtreme Contributor
Xtreme Contributor
User avatar

Joined: Mar 15th, '13, 09:54
Posts: 215
Gender: Male
Are you human?: yes
Location: Townsville, Gulliver, QLD
I walked past a punk sitting at a bus stop as I went into the
bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I looked him up and down and said,
'Nope, you still look stupid'.

So I then went to Mcdonalds for a super giant size mega burger, the line was very long. When I eventually got to the counter the slightly plump girl said "sorry for the wait" I said "dont worry love, you will probably lose it with the correct diet"

On the way out I was accosted by a homeless guy who said "I havent eaten in three days" I told him "I wished I had your will power.

On the bench outside was an unattended bag and I thought to myself that I really hated all this terrorist business. I used to love the good old days when you could say to yourself 'I'm going to take that.'

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic
shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman
with her mouth closed.

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last
question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the
curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer ... hell, how did I know
they wanted the name of a country?

I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing
everyone off is a piece of cake.


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 860 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58  Next

All times are UTC + 8 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 11 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  

Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group
Portal by phpBB3 Portal © phpBB Türkiye
[ Time : 0.094s | 18 Queries | GZIP : Off ]