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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Dec 2nd, '13, 11:28 
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APHORISM: (“A short, pointed sentence that expresses a wise or clever observation or a general truth”).






1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.


2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humour you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. - for example, it could be the right number.

13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.

15. Be careful about reading the fine print there's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realise that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

18. Money can't buy happiness but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Ford.

19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead.

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind and the ones that mind don't matter.

21. Life isn't tied with a bow but it's still a gift.

And REMEMBER....

"POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON"


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Dec 6th, '13, 08:04 
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A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman,

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

-----
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?',

To which he is answered,

'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said...


'Mixin-me-toasties.'

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Dec 6th, '13, 08:26 
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Dead... you are so dead, Mr Bee. Image

Finally a shaggy dog I have not heard... Image


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Dec 6th, '13, 11:26 
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Thank you very much sir!

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Dec 7th, '13, 21:20 
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A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us too."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place... the grass is almost a foot high!"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Dec 7th, '13, 22:50 
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Sue was a blonde that was very tired of blonde jokes.
One day Sue was driving on a country road surrounded by wheat fields. To her left she saw another blond in the wheat field rowing a row boat. She was infuriated, she slammed on the brakes, hoped out and started yelling at the other blond.
"What is the matter with you! Rowing a boat in a wheat field! It is stupid stuff like that that gives us blonds a bad name! It is the reason there are so many blond jokes! If I could swim I would go over there and teach you a lesson!"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Dec 12th, '13, 14:20 
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Warning,Car Park Scam!!!







Indoorpilly’s car park . Please BE WARNED! Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam whilst out shopping.



Simply dropping into Myers for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends! Here's how the scam works:



Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls of eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead they ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Target, You agree and they both get in the back seat.



On the way there, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!



I had my wallet stolen on October 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on November 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and 10th and twice yesterday.So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.



The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.



P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for $1.99 each!.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Dec 12th, '13, 17:21 
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Potatoes


Well, a Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam'.
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato'.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would eat properly so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for those hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries, and when she went out West, she must watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
They sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ). So that when she graduated she'd really be "in the Chips".
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Richie Benaud.

"Richie Benaud!!!!", they cried.

They were very upset and told Yam "You can't possibly marry Richie Benaud because he's just ........

Are you ready for this? Are you sure?
*
OK! You asked for it: Here it is!
*
*
*

*

*

*

*

*
... just a COMMONTATER!"


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Dec 13th, '13, 00:06 
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ColinW wrote:
Warning,Car Park Scam!!!







Indoorpilly’s car park . Please BE WARNED! Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam whilst out shopping.



Simply dropping into Myers for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends! Here's how the scam works:



Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls of eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead they ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Target, You agree and they both get in the back seat.



On the way there, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!



I had my wallet stolen on October 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on November 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and 10th and twice yesterday.So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.



The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.



P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for $1.99 each!.
:laughing3: I was thinking to myself where can I get cheap wallets before you got to the punch!

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Dec 16th, '13, 18:31 
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TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS!





TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES

Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint

.

Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.


The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has



a time booked for surgery the following week.


The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment,



then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for

another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.


Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet!


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Jan 5th, '14, 06:39 
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Perhaps this should be in the Wanted to Sell section??? Nah... better here in the Jokes!!!
http://www.gumtree.com.au/s-ad/elwood/b ... 1035043823


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Jan 5th, '14, 10:43 
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bedded Scarlett Johanssen on the back of a unicorn

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Jan 20th, '14, 08:07 
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THE HINGE

Charlie was installing a new doorAnd found that one of the hinges was missing.
He asked his wife Mary if she would go To Bunnings and pick up a hinge.
Mary agreed to go.

While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, Her eye caught a beautiful bathroom Tap.
When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that Bath Tap?"

The manager replied, "That's a gold plated Bath Tap and the price is $3450.00.

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive Tap. It's certainly out of my price bracket."

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the Bath Tap."

......This is why you can't send women to Bunnings.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Feb 7th, '14, 08:49 
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Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers #6

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Feb 7th, '14, 10:00 
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I told my wife that when I died I would leave everything to her.
She said I already do.


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