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Author:  CJ-California [ Feb 8th, '14, 06:14 ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes

Piano...

A guy walks into a bar and places a small piano on the bar top.

Puzzled, the barman asks, "How do you play that little thing?"

The guy then pulls a little man out of his coat pocket and he starts to play.

Amazed, the barman asks, "Where in hell did you get that little guy?"

The man answers, "I have this magic lamp..."

The barman rips it out of his hands and rubs the lamp. Out pops the genie and says, "I'll grant you one wish, but one wish only!"

Beside himself with excitement, the barman yells, "I want a million bucks!"

The next instant the bar is filled with a million quacking ducks.

Disgusted, the barman, "Man, this genie of yours has a real problem with his hearing!"

"No kidding", says the man, "did you really think I asked him for a 12-inch pianist?" :-P

Author:  ColinW [ Feb 8th, '14, 15:57 ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes

My Travel Plans for 2014

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots . Apparently, you can't go alone.. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.


I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.


I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.


I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.


I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.


I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.


Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.


One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!


I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

Author:  savarin [ Feb 8th, '14, 16:37 ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes

I went to the psychiatrist yesterday and told him I thought I had a guilt complex.
He said "Is that why your covered in gold paint?"

Author:  Ronmaggi [ Feb 9th, '14, 01:24 ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes

Of all the letters in the alphabet, my favorite number is purple.

Author:  savarin [ Feb 9th, '14, 09:50 ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes

The worlds best running pun
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCbvCRkl_4U

Author:  savarin [ Feb 9th, '14, 10:34 ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes

Puns about monorails are the best one-liners.
My famous bacon soup recipe began as an ad-hock meal.
Its very handy to know sign language.
I've noticed that bath towels have a dry sense of humour.
Damn, I forgot to go to the gym yesterday! That's 10 years in a row now...

Author:  ColinW [ Feb 12th, '14, 05:37 ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes

How does this work?





Amazing but how?


Your Phone number will reveal your Age.I do not know who discovered this? Really accurate.
It will take about 15 seconds, read and do it at the same time so that you will not lose the fun.

[1] Take a look at your last digit of your cell phone number
[2] Use this figure and multiply by 2
[3] Then add 5
[4] And then multiply by 50
[5] And then add the number 1763
[6] The last step; with this number, subtract your birth year.
Now you see a three-digit number.
The first digit is the last digit of your phone number, the next digits are your actual age!
Surprising? Good Luck.

Author:  earthbound [ Feb 12th, '14, 10:09 ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes

Because you enter the last digit of your phone number at the start... Then you also enter the year or your birth.. The rest is superfluous rubbish to confuse you and misdirect you.. This exact thing didn't work last year and won't work next year, unless you change the numbers in there..

Author:  Slowboat [ Feb 12th, '14, 21:14 ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes

like this:

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Author:  Ronmaggi [ Feb 13th, '14, 00:33 ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes

That bit of graffiti is almost existential, in a self loathing sort of way.

Author:  ColinW [ Feb 13th, '14, 06:24 ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes

Paddy texts his wife...

“Moira, I’m just having one more pint with the lads.
If I’m not back in 20 minutes, read this message again.”

Author:  Aufin [ Feb 13th, '14, 06:44 ]
Post subject:  Irish Cop

Irish Cop

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON
and is certain that he has a better education then any Mick cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cops expense!!

Irish cop says, "License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Irish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Irish cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration,please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

Author:  Domani [ Mar 1st, '14, 18:07 ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes

When I got married, I thought to get a lifetime fock
Now I realize I just got focked for a lifetime

Author:  KbarL [ Apr 11th, '14, 02:40 ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes

I found this to be one of the funnier emails I have received in a long time..
I hope I'm not repeating someone else's post.....

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Author:  KbarL [ Apr 14th, '14, 02:48 ]
Post subject:  Re: Jokes

And one of my all time favorites:

Marcus and Yacov, two Hasidic Jews, went to Pinctus the tailor for new suits.

"Pinctus," - Yacov said, - "the last time we came to you for new suits, we told you we wanted black suits. The suits you made were not black. They were sort of dark grey maybe, but not black. We need new suits and this time we want black suits, from the darkest cloth there is."
Pinctus reached behind for a bolt of cloth and he said:
"See this cloth? It is from this fabric that I make the habits for the nuns. In all the world," - Pinctus said, fingering the bolt of fabric, - "there is no blacker cloth than the cloth I make nun's habits from and it is from this cloth that I'll make your new suits!"
A few weeks later the two Hasidic Jews were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, on a whim, one of the men went up to one of the nuns. He grabbed her sleeve and held it up against his own. Then, in an angry voice, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked on.
"What did that man want?" - one nun asked the other.
"I don't know," - she replied. "He looked at my garment, said something in Latin and left."
"In Latin?" - asked the first nun. "What did he say?"
He said, - "Marcus, Pinctus fuctus."

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