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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Nov 30th, '09, 12:54 
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The Italian Secret of a Long Marriage:

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's only marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nizza, spenda money on her, but besta of all is that I tooka her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!"

The Priest responded "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th Anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm agonna go get her."

:D :D :D

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Dec 11th, '09, 16:42 
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These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.


____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law..

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Dec 14th, '09, 06:06 
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• Ping just offered Elin Woods an endorsement contract pushing her own set of drivers. They are said to be named Elin Woods…”clubs you can beat Tiger with.”
• News travels fast. The Chinese are already making a movie about Tiger Woods’ crash. They are calling it, “Scratching Swede, Lying Tiger,” or how about “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant”?
• What do you buy a Tiger for Christmas?…A new windshield!
• Tiger is now in trouble with his sponsor Gillette because he said that “this was the closest shave I have had yet.”
• Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger’s wife to pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger.
• Tiger crashed his car because he was in a rush to move on to the second hole.
• Tiger uses clubs to hit golf balls while his wife uses clubs to hit tigers balls.
• Just because you’re the world’s no. 1 golfer, it doesn’t mean you can’t be beaten by your wife
What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.
Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.
What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Dec 14th, '09, 06:14 
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Seriously, this cant be healthy.
Seriously, this cant be healthy.
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Whats the difference between Father Christmas and Tiger
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Father Christmas stops at 3 hoes

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Dec 14th, '09, 07:27 
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:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Dec 18th, '09, 07:51 
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THOUGHTS ON AGING

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

The best thing about getting old is that all those things you couldn’t have when you were young you no longer want.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Dec 18th, '09, 08:08 
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The Australian Liberal and Labor parties... boom tish...



LOL (I'll be here all week)

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Dec 18th, '09, 08:54 
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Seriously, this cant be healthy.
Seriously, this cant be healthy.
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"Try the fish"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Dec 18th, '09, 12:27 
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This is not a Joke as such, but is funny, story is true, I can relate as I had the pleasure of organizing or End of year party, our company has 6 branches spread over around 250km radius of Narrogin the party was fully paid for by the company and was for employee's and partners, we had the bash at the Narrogin Trotting track and company sponsored all races, was a great night out with around 150 people in our group, I had over 100 stupid questions to answer with the most stupid ones coming from Perth Branch asking about the country way of doing things :roll: in the end I had a gut full and handed off the answering of emails to a lady in another branch, especially when it came to "what do us ladies wear" I answered "it is the Narrogin Cup not the freaking Melbourne cup, make it an interesting night and wear sweet fa" :lol: the lady who took over for me suggested that it would be good idea that I stop handling it :geek:
Anyone who has had the pleasure of organising the staff party, big or small will also relate to below :drunken: :mrgreen:



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 1, 2009
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd,
starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.
Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time;
however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty




Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 2, 2009
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party."
The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty


Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 3, 2009
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table,
you didn't sign your name..
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.
How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange,
no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.


Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: November 4, 2009
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are!
I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.
Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party
or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet,
and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed,
apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food .
The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts.
Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
? Company Memo ?

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: November 5, 2009
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!!
We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not,
so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death,"
as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.
But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.
They scream when you slice them.
I've heard them scream.
I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss.
I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!

Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: November 6, 2009
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Dec 18th, '09, 13:45 
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Ah Nocky... That is classic. :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Dec 18th, '09, 15:35 
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:lol: Thats great :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Dec 19th, '09, 08:44 
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And for the poor Apple Mac owners, this should brighten your day

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed
a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity
music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00
depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because
women have always complained about men staring
at their tits and not listening to them.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Dec 19th, '09, 09:02 
Hahaha... :headbang:


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Dec 19th, '09, 10:39 
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I'll take two.......................I will install myself
:cheers: :drunken:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Dec 19th, '09, 10:42 
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Seriously, this cant be healthy.
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....
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