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PostPosted: Dec 7th, '18, 15:49 
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In need of a life
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Siamese Twins


Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Fosters beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to America next month," says John. "We go to America every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim ?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, America!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country ... New York, L.A, Vegas ..."

"Nah, we don't like that American crap," says John. "Meat pies and Fosters beer, that's us, eh Jim ? And we can't stand the Yanks with all their political rubbish these days!"

"So why keep going to America?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive." :laughing3: :laughing3: :laughing3:

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PostPosted: Dec 19th, '18, 09:04 
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.


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PostPosted: Dec 19th, '18, 14:29 
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:laughing3: :laughing3: :laughing3:

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PostPosted: Dec 20th, '18, 06:17 
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I went to a zoo the other day that only had one animal, a dog.


It was a shitzu.

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PostPosted: Dec 20th, '18, 08:37 
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:laughing3: :laughing3: :laughing3:

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PostPosted: Dec 20th, '18, 13:24 
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Pirated from another forum.... shock horror oh how could you.............

I was sitting in the pub having a quiet beer when a removalist truck pulled outside the bank on the other side of the road. The tail ramp came down and an elephant walked out and straight into the bank. It slapped all the bank staff with its trunk then wrapped its trunk around the safe, hauled it out and walked back into the truck which took off down the road.
A few minutes later the local policeman came into the pub and asked if anyone had witnessed the bank robbery, I said that I had seen it all. Notebook in hand he asked me to describe the event and when I finished he asked me to describe the elephant. "What do you mean describe the elephant" I said, "an elephant is an elephant surely?" "What I mean is, was it an Indian elephant or an African elephant?" said the officer. I replied "I couldn't tell, it had a stocking over its head".

What on earth were you drinking?

Well Rusty, the Giraffe that served me said it was beer. Another patron told me certain drinks were free during happy hour. When I queried the Giraffe he replied "Yes the Highballs are on me".

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PostPosted: Dec 20th, '18, 16:56 
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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet.

Then the woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$250'

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have sand wedge.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy - '$750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice.’

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'

The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'

Boy - '$1,000.'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.

That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit with me again. You're in my closet now!'

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PostPosted: Dec 20th, '18, 22:14 
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Hilarious all thank you so much.
Brian

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PostPosted: Dec 22nd, '18, 06:05 
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What's the difference between a politician and a Suckermouth Catfish?


















One's a scum sucking bottom dweller and the other's a fish...

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1 viewtopic.php?t=27800
2 viewtopic.php?f=18&t=27965
3 viewtopic.php?f=18&t=28231


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