Jokes

Dabble On

I have this old lady that comes into my bar all the time and almost always has a joke for me. Theyre rather corny but still corny jokes are hilarious. Two that I can remember at the moment.

Two Blondes are sitting at a road side cafe when a tractor trailer full of sod passes by. One turns to the other and says "Man I wish I could do that." Her friend responds "Do what?" She replies "Send my lawn off to get mowed."

Two Guys are opening a new store together. ONe turns to the other and says "You know were going to end up having some old man peeping and being nosy about our store before we even open." Sure enough 3 hours later and old man wanders by and starts looking through the windows. He opens the door and says "Setting up huh? whatcha planning on selling here?" The one man figures he'd be smart and responds "were selling A$$holes" in return the old man replies "Must be doing good business you only got 2 a$$holes left"

dr bee

An atheist was taking a walk through the forest. What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals! He said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder And saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive, from thy bounty through Christ, our Lord Amen."

Taper123

One day Angela decides to ride a horse. She'd never taken lessons, or been around horses, yet alone to a ranch or farm. She jumps up onto the horse and it immediately starts to gallop along. Her long blonde hair is going with the motion and she is having a blat until she starts to slide sideways. She tries to grab the mane, but cannot get a grip. Fearing for her life, she tries to leap from the horse... only to have her foot get stuck in the stirrup. The horse's motions are banging her head into the ground and she's about to lose consciousness...
when Frank, the store Greeter, sees her delimma and unplugs the horse.

I'm in Texas and this one really could have happened...

Little Susie was getting madder and madder at what her teacher was saying in Government class. The discussion was on the requirements to becoming a US president. The more she heard about the necessity of being a "Natural Born" citizen, the madder she got. Finally she could not take it anymore and demanded to know why she could not be president... after all She was born in Texas, her Mom and Dad, were born in Texas, and she was a US citizen. Just because her Mom had to have a Cesarean (C-section) delivery instead of Natural should not exclude her...

Backhoe

How the fight started:

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.
________________________________

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to fool around?'

'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started.
______________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.
_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes," she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started.
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started.
________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started.
_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to over 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started.
______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.'

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started.
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started.
________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

Ronmaggi

I don't recall if this joke was told here or not, but because there were some repeats in the last post, I figured why not post it anyway.

Bob is sitting at a bar, when a man sits down next to him, and out of his bag, he pulls out a tiny man, and then a tiny piano. The tiny man proceeds to play a beautiful concerto. Impressed, bob asks the man where he got the tiny man. He replies "this stupid genie."
"You have a genie? Can I make a wish?"
"Sure, it is all yours."
So bob rubs the lamp, the genie pops out with the whole your wish is my command stuff, and bob says "I want a million bucks!"
All of a sudden the bar starts filling up with DUCKS. Bob is like "what is going on?"
The man replied "What? You think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"

Bodgy

Hope you're all weathering the zombie apocalypse!
So far I've had three 'walkers' stumble down the driveway, I'm not going down easy and so far so good.
Not sure if I had to cut their heads off to stop them from reanimating but better safe than sorry I say.
Stay safe everyone! :headbang:

Aufin

Blonde jokes.

DISNEYLAND

Two blondes were going to Disneyland They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY,
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

arbe

This guy brings his best golf mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after golf.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade...

"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a bloody mess, the dishes aren't done.

Can't you see I'm still in my bloody pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!

Why the bloody hell did you bring him home unannounced you stupid bloody idiot?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

Bodgy

“Ability to Pee Standing Up,” booms God. “Okay, who wants this one?”

“Oh, pick me!” yells Adam, “Pick me! Peeing while standing up sounds like such a very male thing to do, God. I really think that one has to go to me. Sorry Eve, but I really think I need this one.”

God looks at Eve, who just shrugs. “Sure, if it’s that important to him, give Adam the peeing thing. I don’t really care.”

God hands Adam the slip of paper and says, “For evermore, Adam, by your choice shall men be endowed with the ability to pee whilst standing.”

Adam grins and God reaches to the very bottom of his bag. “Just one more, and I guess since Adam got Peeing While Standing Up, this last one goes to you, eh, Eve? Let’s see…”

God unfolds his final slip of paper. “Okay, here you go Eve: Multiple Orgasms is all yours.”

dr bee

Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.

"Wee Jimmy (a typical Scottish skally wag) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff an' that. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come ahead ya radge, a lang weekend fir me."

Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said 'Don't ask what Your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country? 'Wee Jimmy shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front.

Teacher: "Yes, Jeremy" Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy his inauguration speech in 1960."

Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jimmy is even more determined.

Teacher: "Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?' "

Wee Jimmy's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know, Me Miss, me Miss!" Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."

Timothy (in a very, very posh, English accent):"The answer is Winston Churchill, his 1941 Battle of Britain speech."

Teacher: "Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jimmy is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his wee plastic chair, slavers dripping in anticipation. Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'?"

Wee Jimmy's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Miss, me miss, meeeeee!"

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front: "Yes Rupert." Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plumy English accent): "Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1969, the first moon landing."

Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday"

Wee Jimmy is raging and loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming: "Fur **** sake, where did all these English **********s come from?" Teacher, looking round the class: "Who said that?"

Wee Jimmy grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door and states, "Sir William Wallace, Battle of Falkirk, July 1298, See youse on ***** Tuesday!!"

mudeye

A man sees a sign outside a house -

'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the

owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in

the back garden.

The man sees a very nice

looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.

"Yes," the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man
asks, "So, tell me your story."

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well,
I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty
young. I wanted to help the government, so I
joined MI5.

"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.

But the jetting around really tired me
out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I
decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at
Heathrow to do some undercover security work,
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several
medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and
now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and
asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.

"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely
amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden."

:laughing3:

tmaker

not original :

conversation between BMW Help Center ( B ) and customer ( C ) ,

BMW : Good Day sir , how may i help you

Cust : hi, i just took delivery of a 320 and i can use it all the time .......... interrupted by the Customer service...

( then taking down details of name and so on ..... )

B : may i know what is the problem ?

C : i can't use it at night , i just do not know what is the problem.... but i can use it during the day

B : this is very strange , how is it that you cannot use the car in the night ?

C : it is true, i CANNOT USE IT IN THE NIGHT !! it just won't move !! the engine is running ! i paid a fortune for this car and i can only use it in the day !! did you guys set any bugs in it ?

B : of cos we do not have any bug or virus in our system.but i am not very sure sir, but this is the first time we are encountering this problem,is there any difference in the way you use it ?

C : of cos no !! i have been driving a manual car for so many years yet i do not have any problem. only your 320 have this problem !!

B : errr... we are not sure how and why the car cannot be used in the night. our cars can be driven 24hrs a day.

C : i think you must ask your technician to seriously look into the gear box. it is a stupid car. during the day i put it into D and i can use the car.

B : uh ?

C : do not interrupt me !! in the night i put it into N and it just won't move !!

B : hahahahahaha..... sir, the ...

C : do you think it is funny ? let me tell you another problem

B : ......holding back laughter..... sniggle ....what is..... it... sir ?

C : now i have to pay compensation to another car behind me... you guys better be prepared for a law suit...you have to compensate me for the accident and repair

B : ...still laughing..... how can ...................... it......... hahaha.... be ... hahaha .... ?

C : an Alfa stops beside me at the lights and rev his engine hard....so i say, " oh, you wanna Race ? "

B : errr..... but how can you hit a car behind you ?

B : so i put the car into R and when the lights go green..... @##%$#@@$%$#@

C : HAHAHAHAHAHAHA !!!!!!!!!!

dr bee

Bruce was checking in at a hotel late one night, when he noticed an attractive young lady sitting alone in the lobby. He told the clerk to wait a minute while he went over to chat to her.

Moments later he returned with the girl on his arm. “Fancy meeting my wife here” he said to the clerk “Can you book us into the honeymoon suite, please.”

The next morning Bruce went to settle the bill, and was horrified to see that it came to just over $2,000.

“What the heck is the meaning of this?” he complained to the clerk. “I’ve only been here one flaming night.”

“That is correct, sir” replied the clerk “but your ‘wife’ has been here for 3 flaming weeks.”

Gwydion

Nearly...

Ronmaggi

Are you saying I'm different?

Backyard Aquaponics
A place to discuss aquaponics

Jokes

Who is online

Backyard Aquaponics A place to discuss aquaponics

Jokes

Who is online

Backyard Aquaponics
A place to discuss aquaponics